Half Way Point

As of yesterday, I am half way done with chemotherapy. YES! The infusion itself was pretty uneventful. We were out of there in record time (4.5 hours) with no major side effects. The worst I felt was after the Taxotere - I ended up with a sinus headache, which is normal. Jim and I went to IHOP before chemo so that I had some carbs in my system because I never get hungry during treatment. I think the smell of the infusion center (you know, that alcohol-mediciny smell of a hospital) just turns my stomach. We were home by 2:30 and I was feeling good. I had wonton soup for dinner and then crashed out around 7:00. I slept 12 hours and am feeling relatively normal (for having just had chemo!). Ginger chews and carbs are my best friends today - ginger chews are so much better than Ginger Ale and carbs seem to keep all those nasty stomach acids in check.

This whole situation often leads me to reflect on how much my life has changed in a year. Wednesday evening, I sat down to plan out Liam's first birthday party. I did some food planning and a gift list for my little man. It made me reflect on what I was doing a year ago. I was so excited to give birth, in less than three weeks, to a beautiful boy and I could not wait to see his face for the first time. Who would he look like and how big would he be? I was anxious about the delivery and wondering when exactly he would be born. We were just finishing up his room - painting, putting the crib together, washing clothes, buying diapers and decorating. We were so excited to welcome our first son into this world.

I think about how much my life has changed in the last year. Liam's first six months of life were amazing - watching him grow and change, experiencing love like I never had before and becoming a mother. Now, unfortunately, my focus is diverted away from all of those exciting things. While I truly appreciate every minute I have with him and love to see all of his firsts, I often find myself weepy, tired and focused on my next infusion, doctor's appointment or on my side effects. This makes me really angry. My focus should be on Liam and Jim and often times, its not. And its not purposeful, its just what cancer does to you. It makes you worry about every little ache and pain... has it gone to my bones? Is my heart being damaged from the Adriamycin? Why am I so tired all the time? When will this all STOP? Will I ever be myself again? It stinks, and it stinks especially now.

When the doctor gave me my August infusion calendar yesterday, I was sadly reminded that my fourth round is scheduled for August 20th, the day before Liam's first birthday. What a sad way to spend my baby's first birthday. But as I try to stay positive, I realize that its all for the best. I need to get better for him and whether the infusion happens on the August 20th or the 30th, its going to happen. I can't put it off. Because if I were to do that, it would be selfish by putting myself at risk for hibernating cancer cells to start growing again. My little boy may need me now, but he'll really need me in 5, 10, 20 years and I have to be here for him and Jim (and hopefully more future baby Craiges).

So as my body slowly weakens from yesterday's infusion, I am reminded that even though life has changed, it will go back to normal eventually. And I will be totally focused on Liam and Jim again. I'll be back at the gym, back to enjoying bike rides and back to having energy. It just takes time.

Getting Ready for Round 3

I feel like a boxer heading into the third round of a fight. After each infusion, I feel like I've been punched everywhere and need to lie down on the mat to surrender.

Yesterday, I saw Dr. Denduluri for a follow up visit and blood work. My white blood cell count is good so my infusion scheduled for tomorrow will happen (yay!). As usual, we discussed side effects from my last infusion. Again, we talked at length about my nausea and how dibilitating it is for me the first four days after treatment. This time she recommended something called Marinol (google it if interested). Its a legal prescription drug made up of synthetic THC (which has been found to relieve the nausea and vomiting associated with chemotherapy). Its delivered in a pill form so no nasty smoking required. She told me to think about it and get back to her next Monday or Tuesday if my nausea is still unbareable.

So the ethical dilemma ensues....do I tell her to write me a prescription for this drug, knowing that this is a form of THC? My feeling is if its going to help me get over the chemo hump faster, I want to try it. But I also worry about what impact it will have on me professionally. Do I need to disclose this if I ever take any polygraph or go through another background investigation? I'm not sure. Its not like I would be smoking a joint at a party to get high. Its an FDA approved drug used to treat side effects of chemotherapy.

In addition to this recommendation, Dr. Denduluri also told me to extend my usage of the steroid I'm taking, Dexamethasone. BLAH! I hate this stupid drug. It makes me ravenously hungry, makes my cheeks, hands and feet swell and makes my heart race. I take it one day before treatment and then one day after treatment. Its also given to me in my pre-meds just before I get my chemotherapy drugs. I hate it. Its the reason I gain about 5 lbs the two days after treatment (and then I lose most of it once its out of my system). I know I shouldn't worry about my weight...but I'm a woman and that's what we're programmed to do. But Dr. Denduluri wants me to take it for three days after treatment, half doses on Sunday and Monday if I'm still getting sick to my stomach.

So we'll see how tomorrow goes and how I'm feeling this weekend. Sunday we leave for a week in the Outer Banks. I'm hoping the beach perks up my spirits and leads to a quicker recovery time.

Feeling Good

This past week was one of my two 'good' weeks after treatment. I was able to eat, took a few walks and am overall feeling like myself. I am still getting tired earlier in the evening and need several naps on the weekend. But overall, I am feeling very good!

The only constant side effect I am experiencing is short term memory loss. I have issues finding words when I'm writing or talking and I often forget simple things. This was evident at the grocery store this morning. I wrote on my list "mexican night" and wrote ground turkey, cheese, salsa and sour cream under the meal. I've been doing this for years - I meal plan and shop based on the meal. Anyway, I picked up ground beef and salsa. When I saw the sour cream and cheese on the list, I could not remember why I needed those two ingredients. Its very frustrating to not remember things or to not be able to associate items with thoughts. I've never experienced this before and its depressing at times.

There is research out there showing that people who undergo certain chemotherapy regimes never regain their short term memory level from pre-treatment. I certainly hope I am not one of those people. Unfortunately, Taxotere (one of the chemo drugs I am taking) is known to effect the grey matter of the brain and impact short term memory. Again, this doesn't happen to everyone and I am hoping I am not one of those people! So I'll just continue to read and try and keep my mind active to counteract any damage being done by the drugs.

Four more days until my next treatment. My anxiety level about it is starting to increase because I know I have only four more 'good' days left until I'm down for the count again. Fortunately, I will be recovering after this next treatment in Duck, NC. So I am hoping the ocean air and vacation mindset help me get over the chemo hump more quickly than the last two treaments.

103.5

That was my temperature at 7:00 pm last night. A stomach virus hit me on Friday and by Saturday afternoon, I was very ill and getting worse. Jim and I tried to go to the movies on Saturday afternoon to see Eclipse. When we left the house to drop Liam at our friend's, I knew I wasn't going to make it, but I pushed on. I wanted to get my 'normal' back and do something enjoyable instead of laying on the couch. When we pulled into the parking lot at the theater, I knew I couldn't get out of the car. I felt myself burning up and I knew I was going to get sick. Jim turned the car around and took me home. By the time I got into bed at 4:00 pm, my temperature was 102.4 with chills, sweats and body aches.

Getting sick while you are having chemo is a very serious thing. Your white blood cell count is at its lowest on days 7 -14 after a chemotherapy session. This means that your body has difficulty fighting infections. A cold or a virus that your body can normally fight wreaks havoc when your immune system is depressed. Although I get a shot of Nuelasta the day after chemo, the white blood cells are still lower than normal. This is why chemotherapy patients need to avoid anyone with colds or viruses. I was on day 9 yesterday and knew I was probably at my lowest point and needed to be careful. Unfortunately, I was around my mom and dad last week who both had a virus while they were here. So I learned my lesson the hard way and now know that anyone who is sick cannot be around me.

At 5:00 last night, Jim called the on-call oncologist since we were directed to call any time my fever went over 100.5. I really wanted to go to the ER, mainly because I was so dehydrated and could not stop shaking. It was really scary! The doctor on-call told us to go to the ER if my temperature reached 104. Luckily, that never happened. The highest it got was 103.5 - then it broke with the help of Tylenol and cold wash clothes.

By 8:00 am Sunday morning, my temperature was 99.9 and dropping. Right now, I am feeling 100% better than yesterday, just tired and a little weak. Now I'm ready to get my 'good' weeks started before my next infusion on the 30th.

Down for the Count

This second round of chemo has hit me differently than the first one. I can't explain it, but I feel more run down and unable to mentally process a lot. Coherent thoughts are difficult (so if you're reading this and it makes no sense, I apologize!). And my stomach is out of control - one second I'm sick, next I'm starving. And the head pounding....OH THE HEAD POUNDING HEADACHE!!!! Its unbelieveably painful and Tylenol doesn't touch it.

I keep saying "oh I should go for a walk up the block, the fresh air will do me good". Who am I kidding? I can barely get up to go to the bathroom, let alone walk down the block. My oncologist told me twice to walk for 30 minutes every day. My oncologist has obviously never been through chemotherapy! There is no way in hell I can walk for 30 minutes feeling like this!

Anyway, that's it for now...I don't have energy to write much more.

Chemo Round #2

Sorry I haven't updated in a week....I spent the last few days getting ready to be "down for the count". That meant cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping...all the things I know I can't do after chemo.

Update on my week: My friend and hair stylist, Nina, came over Tuesday night and cut my hair very short - like a pixie cut. It was really cute and I loved the look. But I had bald patches in the front so I was very self concious about going outside without a hat. The short hair, combined with a hat, made my head uber itchy. I couldn't handle it. On top of that, my hair was falling out en masse, leaving a trail everywhere I went. I sat in a meeting Wednesday, and the table in front of me, and my chair, were covered in my hair after an hour. It was gross. At that point, I'd had enough and was on a mission to get rid of it all with a pair of high powered clippers!

So, to remedy the hair situation, Jim shaved my head. And he shaved his head too. Having my head shaved was exhilerating, liberating and just made me feel so much more comfortable. I can honestly say that I didn't feel depressed looking in the mirror afterwards. I felt like "well, just one step closer to being done with all this". But...the one thing I hate about having my head shaved...I can see how much grey hair I actually have! Thank God for hair dye!

The other thing I hate are the 'pity' looks I get from strangers. Now that my head is shaved, even with a hat, you can tell I have no hair. I get three kinds of stares: First is the 'oh you poor thing, you have cancer'. To those people, I just smile back and wink, kinda like 'I'm all good, no need to worry about me!'. The second kind of stare is from the people who look at me like you would look at a car accident...they don't want to look but they feel compelled to, which then often turns in to a long stare. To those people, I just glare back at them, like 'whatcha lookin' at?!' Then there are those people who look away quickly because they don't want to stare at all. I think I would fall into that category...you don't want to make a big deal about it, or be caught staring at someone. So you just smile briefly and look away.

Anyway, moving along...

Friday, I had my second round of chemotherapy. This time it didn't take as long, only about four hours. They changed up my pre-meds and gave me Zofran for the nausea. No issues with my heart racing or a headache like the first time around. But the fatigue and nausea did hit me when I got home. I ate some lasagna my mom made and it was a little too much for my stomach to handle. And I slept about 12 hours last night. All and all, I feel slightly better than I did after the first round. I hope my body is acclimating to the drugs and I can get over the chemo hump more quickly than the first time around. We'll see how the next few days go. I'm hopeful its just my body getting adjusted and that I will rebound a few days sooner than the first round.

My Lovely Locks

My hair started falling out today. Sigh.

I thought I would be ready for this and it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, hair grows back. I've had enough bad hair cuts in my life to I know, in a few months, my hair will grow back. But its still traumatizing to see clumps of hair in your hand while you are washing your hair. I was afraid to brush it after the shower..."Maybe if I don't brush it, it won't fall out"...demented logic, but a girl can dream, right?

My bathroom and bedroom are covered in my hair. I feel like I am leaving a trail of my hair everywhere I go. Like, "Mary was here! Don't you see her hair everywhere?". Sigh again. I really do like my hair. And I like having hair. This is going to be...different.

Meds, Pot and Exercise

Yesterday, I had a follow up visit with my oncologist, Dr. Denduluri. I also met with the clinical trial folks to record all my lovely side effects for posterity. I ran down my laundry list of "that hurt, this tasted weird, I felt this, etc".

The majority of our discussion focused on nausea and all the issues I had with food following my first infusion. Orginally, my doctor put me on a mix of Emend (a powerful anti-nausea medication) and Compazine (a very low dose version of the same kind of medication). The Emend did the job, the Compazine did not. In addition, I was on a moderate dosage of Dexamethazone, a steroid. I immediately puffed up on Friday, retained water and was awfully bloated. My face looked like I had gained 20 pounds overnight and I had dead man, bloated hands. So think about not being able to eat, but looking like you had ingested 50 big macs in the span of 24 hours. YIKES! It was not pretty.

Anyway, my doctor was concerned because my digestive side effects last for so long. For the first infusion, the nausea should have been minimal and should have only lasted a day or two. My first bout with nausea lasted seven days. This is not 'normal' and it concerned her. The first thing she did was take me off Compazine and prescribed Zofran, another anti-nausea medication that is on the same level as Emend. The second thing she did was prescribed something called "Magic Mouthwash", a medication that would help with the awful copper penny taste in my mouth. She said that may alleviate some of the nausea.

After handing me these two new prescriptions, Dr. Denduluri said to me, "Well, if you are still having more than 3 - 4 days of nausea after your next infusion, we may need to discuss medicinal marijuana to help bring your appetite back". Um, what? Marijuana? I work for the 5-0, the po-po, the fuzz. I can't be smoking pot!

In all seriousness, I've thought about it. I'm not a big fan of smoking and those pot brownies can really put you over the edge. But, the nausea was unbareable. I couldn't even look at food in the refrigerator. And after I ate, I felt like I was going to be sick. So keep your fingers crossed that the Zofran does its job and I am eating all sorts of good stuff by the Monday following my next treatment. Or I may be making lots of visit to drug stores in Washington, DC....

We also discussed exercise, or my lack thereof. She told me to talk for 30 minutes every day, regardless of when I had treatment. So yesterday and today, I did cardio - yesterday I went to the gym, and today I went for a long walk with Liam. I will continue to do this until I am down for the count again with my next treatment. I did feel great after exercising and I wonder if may be the mental boost I need during those dark times. Either way, I will continue to stay active and eating well.

Seven more days until my next infusion. Already, I'm experiencing anxiety over it and am worried about what side effects I will experience again. And I'm worried about when my hair will fall out and what my reaction will be to it. I don't love my hair, but I can't imagine myself without it. Its one of the many things that make me feminine and I'm not sure how i will handle losing it. Luckily, my friends Dianne and Suzanne bought me a ton of awesome hats to cover up my bald head. They are cute and super stylish...and they make me smile when I look at them in my closet. If I have to go without hair, at least I've got some rockin' hats to cover up the void on the top of my head.